Enjoying The Holidays With Your Special Needs Child

BY DESNNA PICON – During the holiday season, parents of children with special needs are often depressed and isolated. Many feel as though a spotlight is being shined on their lives, and that their families fail to measure up to the so-called “normal” families depicted in movies, TV shows and ads. This can create feelings of guilt, loneliness and stress that can take all of the joy out of the holidays.

The holidays become something to “survive” or “manage,” with little enjoyment expected. However, it does not always have to be that way. With planning, realistic expectations and a positive attitude, parents of special needs children can reduce holiday stress and create a better experience for the entire family. Parents should consider applying the following tips to have an enjoyable holiday:

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS

The holidays tend to unleash a parade of unspoken feelings for parents of special needs children.

These are the thoughts that you’ve been too busy or stressed to really think about, and the negative emotions that you may feel guilty about having. You may feel sad, depressed or even resentful or jealous of others during the holidays. There may be times when you secretly wish your child didn’t have special needs and could participate in regular holiday events and activities.

The first thing to remember is that these kind of feelings are perfectly normal. You didn’t plan on having a child with special needs. Nobody does. So, it’s okay to have these thoughts and feelings on occasion. This doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent – it just means you’re human. Loving your children and doing your best for them makes you a good parent, whether your child has special needs or not. Continuing to do your best in difficult circumstances makes you both a good parent and a good person.

And remember, the holiday blues are a common problem. Many people hit by the extra financial and time stress, physical fatigue and family pressures feel depressed at this time of year. You’re not the only parents rushing around in a holiday panic or dealing with tricky family situations. Your particular circumstances may be harder than most, but they will still be better than others. We all have blessings to count.

DON’T ISOLATE YOURSELF

Your friends and family don’t like or love you less because you have a child with special needs. In fact, they probably admire and respect you more than ever after seeing how difficult it can be to raise a child with a disability. And the people who really love you are not offering pity, they are giving empathy –they are putting themselves in your shoes, as far as they can, and trying to figure out how they can help. Of course, people who don’t have special needs children will never completely “get it.” You will never completely know what it is like to be someone else, either. Don’t shut these people out of your life, and don’t shut yourself in. Reach out and you will find many hands waiting to take yours, particularly around the holidays. Spending time with those who love and care about you will make you feel good and recharge your batteries. You’ll have more energy to make the holidays special for your entire family.

ASK FOR HELP WHEN YOU NEED IT

Unless you have a secret identity and a cape in your closet, you’re not a superhero. And without super powers, no parent of a special needs child is going to make it through the rest of their lives without help. Of course, we all have our pride and want to be able to stand on our own two feet, take care of our own families and do things our way. But there are always going to be times when all the challenges and stress get on top of you, and you just need an extra pair of hands to help you through. That’s more likely to happen around the busy, family-centered holiday season than any other time of the year. So, it’s no surprise to find yourself wishing for a bit of help.

The good news is that this is the best season for seeking this extra aid. During the holidays, even more than usual, people are looking for ways to reach out to those who need a helping hand. There’s no shame in asking for and accepting help. Not only can it help you enjoy the holidays more, letting others assist you will also make them feel good and allow them to live out the true holiday spirit. Nobody loses and everyone wins.

SCHEDULE SOME “ME TIME”

When your family and good friends ask what they should get you for a holiday gift, you can do yourself a huge favor by asking for one thing – a few hours of “me time”. When was the last time you had a manicure, shot some pool with your buddies, or simply lingered over a cup of coffee without worrying

that you had to rush home? The holiday season can provide you with that chance to refresh and recharge yourself. Many people have time off from work and are full of the giving spirit, making this the perfect time to ask friends and family to give you that personal break. You will know that your child is safe and well-cared for, and that you don’t have to pay for child care. Does life get any better than this?

Take full advantage of these opportunities. Do something that you truly enjoy, or that you simply never get the chance to do in your busy life. The simplest way of arranging this kind of break is usually to ask your friends and family to come and take care of your child in your home. Familiar surroundings will make it easier for your special needs child and wonderful caregiver. Giving you time off, with peace of mind, is the best present your friends and family can give you – and it won’t cost them a dime!

GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO ENJOY

Should you be happy, laughing with friends at a party, with a special needs child waiting for you back at home? Yes! Some people seem to think that having a child with special needs means you must always be stressed and depressed. It’s bad enough when other people try to impose that thinking on you, but it’s even worse when you do it to yourself. Parents may feel guilty for having a good time over the holidays, even if it’s only for a short time. But there is no reason to feel guilty. A bit of enjoyment is good for you, and believe it or not, good for your child. Whether or not there is a disability in a family, parents who take care of themselves–physically and emotionally—are better able to take care of their children.

So make sure you’ve got child care arrangements that you have confidence in, then go to that dinner with friends, that office function or that holiday party. It will do wonders for your emotional outlook to unload the weight of your responsibilities for a few hours. By giving yourself permission for joy, you’ll bring home new and positive energy for your whole family.

GO WHERE YOU’RE COMFORTABLE

The holidays usually offer a wide range of potential activities – everything from small family gatherings to huge office parties and even bigger public celebrations. Just like you, parents of non-special needs children have to pick and choose which of these events make sense for their family. They probably have a wider choice, but there will still be limits on what they can do with their kids.

And just like you, they may feel bad for having to turn down an invitation or skip a party. However, good parents will choose the right and smart thing to do for their families. In other words, you have every right to decide what holiday events to attend based on your family’s needs, regardless of what your relatives, friends, neighbors or anyone else thinks. If you and your child don’t feel comfortable going to a particular event, why should you go?

The same principle applies to entertaining at home. If certain people make you uncomfortable by staring, making remarks or over-reacting to your child’s behavior, why even have them in your house?

Invite those who understand your child’s condition and support your family. After all, the idea is to enjoy the holidays!

MAKE 2015 THE BEST YEAR YET!

First, give yourself a pat on the back for surviving 2014! Recognize and reward yourself for being the great parents that you are. Day in and day out, you are taking care of your special needs child. Thanks to you, they are getting to their doctors’ and therapists’ appointments. You’re the one working with teachers to help ensure your child is getting an appropriate education. Because of you, your child’s daily and personal needs are being met with care and love. You’re a rock star in your child’s life and he/she would be lost without you. You deserve a medal for the heroic things you do on an everyday basis. Nobody’s perfect, but you’re pretty great! So ring out the old year and bring in the new one on a positive note. Raise a glass of bubbly (or, just as likely, ginger ale!) and make a toast to your family – “Our best times are still ahead!” And make your New Year’s resolution to take better care of yourself – to make your own needs and happiness a priority, along with everyone else’s. You deserve it. And, most important of all, it’s the best gift you can give yourself, child and family. •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Deanna Picon is founder of Your Autism Coach, LLC, which provides personalized guidance, support and seminars for parents of exceptional children. She is a parent of a non-verbal, young man with autism. Deanna is the author of The Autism Parents’ Guide to Reclaiming Your Life. She can be reached through her website at www.YourAutismCoach.com

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