Travel Lessons With Family

BY PEG GRAFWALLNER, M.ED.

We adopted our daughter, Ani, from a Bulgarian orphanage when she was five years, 11 months. Her life in the Eastern European orphanage was the stuff of every wretched newspaper article and every horrific magazine excerpt. When I met Ani in the orphanage, I knew something wasn’t quite right. I assumed she was scared and anxious.  However, upon arriving home, one of my former students came over to meet Ani. As Alisa tried to interact with her, it was then that we first heard the word, “autism.” Alisa was an autism therapist and worked with one of the most renowned autism experts in the state. He diagnosed Ani with autism and cognitive delays. Within two years of arriving at our home, Ani began intensive in-home applied behavior analytic therapy and we began our education.

To think of going on a trip or a vacation upon arriving home from Bulgaria was out of the question. We were  encouraged to stay home and give Ani time to get to know her new life and her new emotions. Often families who recently adopt a child from an orphanage want to go to Disneyland or Yellowstone or some other kid-friendly destination as a way to make up for the deprivation that was a part of the child’s life. A vacation, they think, would be the ultimate bonding experience. It was explained to us that often, that can do more harm than good. We were encouraged to give everyone time to learn and understand the new “normal.”

Shortly after I brought Ani home, I attended a day-long workshop sponsored by a national organization, Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption (FRUA). I had gone to gain insight and learn some strategies on what we could do to help Ani. During our lunch break, a woman asked if she could join me for lunch. We began trading stories and realized that both of us were going through much of the same thing. She mentioned that her family was going to Disneyland, everyone, that is, except her adopted daughter. She explained that they were going to drop her off at “camp,” then continue driving to Disney. I was speechless. I had to let that sink in. I responded, “But, won’t she know you’re leaving her behind? Won’t she figure it out that you’re going on a vacation without her?” The woman said it was “easier” and “simpler” to go without her and, more important, they wanted to “have fun, and she ruined the fun.” I went home that night and shared my lunch conversation with my husband, Mike. We both agreed we would never do that to Ani. We knew that with all sorts of life experiences she would be better equipped to handle change and better able to adjust to last minute revisions. Vacations and trips are meant to be taken as a family, and family included each one of us.

Our son, Max, who was 10 years old at the time, was an avid hockey player and often his team traveled locally for their games. We wanted to attend his games as a family instead of one of us going and the other parent staying home. As a result, Ani came with us as we went from hockey game to hockey game, quickly getting used to hotel rooms, elevators and indoor swimming pools. Those mini-trips around the state were a good introduction to traveling and helped us get ready for the bigger trips that we hoped, someday, would come.

We have been fortunate in that Ani loves to “go on vacation.” It’s been a long road in getting her to where she is today: the night before she travels, Ani is able to pack her own clothes, her own toiletries and her own games and DVDs. Of course, this wasn’t always the case. But with enough practice and patience, she is now able to travel alone. For the past two years, she has made the trip to Indiana for the Best Buddies International Conference as a Best Buddy Ambassador. She looks forward to sleeping in the dorm at Indiana University, having meals in the cafeteria and hanging out with her friends.

As a little girl and teenager, Ani had the opportunity to go to many camps that target those with developmental disabilities. We always held back knowing that, first, she needed more time to adjust to smaller trips with us; and, second we weren’t quite ready to let her go on her own. Now Ani is able to go on these trips. How did we get to that place of comfort? Here are some of the things we learned along the way:

First, we traveled as a family. I didn’t stay home with Ani so Mike and Max could go to hockey, and Mike didn’t stay home with Max if Ani and I were going somewhere. Instead, we wanted her to know that when traveling, we all go together. We wanted her to know that’s what a family did. When traveling, we reserved a hotel room with two queen size beds. In that way, Ani was always with us. Having that sense of connectedness made the trip and the nighttime much easier for her.

Second, in the early days, Ani always brought one or two of her favorite toys with her when we traveled. When we went on the first hockey trip, she brought along her purple caterpillar. Ani loved her bedroom; having never had a room of her own, she loved having her own bed, her own clothes and her own toys. Bringing that toy with her gave her a sense of having her bedroom with her. Even though she was away from home, her favorite toy, a symbol of her bedroom, always came with her.

Third, once she began to understand language, we would explain to her where we were going and what we would be doing. Because she had never learned a language (no one bothered to talk to her in the orphanage), we kept details to a minimum and focused on the big picture. In that way, she was always a part of the trip.

Fourth, Ani was given little jobs to do to get ready for the trip. As an example, she helped me pack for her, choosing a pair of pants or a top. She would gather the toothbrushes and put them in a plastic bag. By giving her small tasks, she felt that she, too, could be a part of the pre-planning and instead of trepidation, she began to feel excited about travel.

Fifth, we bought her a 20 x 24 map of the United States and hung it in her bedroom. Mike was doing some traveling for work, and we would often talk about where Dad was going on his next business trip. With our finger, we would draw an imaginary line from home to whatever state Dad was in, always making sure that we ended the conversation with, “When Dad comes home…”

Sixth, Ani became involved in Special Olympics. When she earned the privilege to go to the state games for athletics, she had the opportunity of staying overnight in the university dormitory. Mike volunteered to go as a chaperone and he stayed with her in the dorm. Soon afterward, he became a co-coach and, for the last eight years, has been Ani’s roommate for the state games.

Most important of all, we were prepared that the first couple of trips, even the day ones, were going to be disasters. We knew we were not going to make beautiful memories, right off the bat. We kept this in mind and didn’t set ourselves up for disappointment. We kept our expectations low and had a sense of humor. Every step we took made the next trip that much easier.

As a young woman, Ani is now thinking about an apartment of her own, the ultimate “camp.” She knows she has to have a successful job before she can move out. She also knows that she will need help and has shared her concern with us; especially regarding money. We’ve assured her that someone will always help her with money and she’ll never have to figure it out alone. We want her to be self-sufficient and self-reliant, but we also have to be honest with ourselves. Living on one’s own is not like a vacation or a trip where one can come home every week if the going gets tough; on the contrary. It’s a journey that, if one is lucky, will last a lifetime.

As I look back on her progress and our own, I am reminded of the little girl who had never been in a car until I picked her up from the orphanage and she and I went to the Sofia Hilton or the little girl who cried on the plane the entire trip home – all 11 hours of it. Now I see a grown woman, luggage in tow, ready to board the bus to her international conference. Or the athlete, just chilling alone in her dorm room, getting in the “zone” prior to the next event. I am also reminded of our own progress. We’ve learned not to worry if the points of interest aren’t ticked off, and we’ve learned not to stress if everyone isn’t having a wonderful time all of the time; knowing that vacations are what you make of them – one step at a time. •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Peg Grafwallner says, “I often tell families and educators that I look at life through three lens: one of parent, one of educator and one of special needs advocate. My husband, Mike, and I consider ourselves to be full-time educators on Ani’s behalf and network tirelessly for her and other special needs families. We are fortunate and blessed to have considerate family and organizations to support our journey!”

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