Birthday Parties and Kids with Autism

BY KIMBERLEE RUTAN MCCAFFERTY
I love my birthday. Although I’m rapidly approaching 50 (how did that happen?) I continue to stretch it out for an entire month each year, enjoy being celebrated and eating lots of chocolate cake (a staple for me not only on my actual day.) When I was pregnant with both of my sons, I was so thrilled they’d each have their “own month” in our family, couldn’t wait to shower them with multiple parties and celebrations, to elongate their day and make it special. I also couldn’t wait for both of them to attend friends’ parties too, as I fondly remember going to my own friends’ birthday parties and sleepovers in my youth.

Then both of my boys ended up having autism. And while birthday celebrations are thankfully still possible for this family, they do take a lot of work. My eldest son Justin is severely autistic, and our biggest challenge for him in the past was getting him through his family birthday party. Justin attends a private school for autism where students come from all over the state, so both throwing a kid party for him and having him attend other kids’ parties has never really been in the cards for us. When he was little, quite frankly, getting him through his family party was enough, and after his first birthday party (before he was diagnosed) we learned the hard way that my idea of a “typical” celebration would just not work for our little guy. We made adaptations (after all, this is his special day,) and Justin matured and lost many of his sensory issues. Now I can happily say his family party is something he looks forward to every year, and his joy when he sees our “birthday banner” go up in our living room is a delight to see.

Our second child, Zach, is on the milder end of the spectrum. Birthday parties, however, both his and others, have been challenging for us at times in the past. In years prior, Zach would sometimes become overwhelmed and emotional, both at his own parties and others’. I quickly learned I needed to meticulously plan out our own parties to the minute, as well as have a clear idea as to what would transpire at other kids’ parties, so I could prepare Zach prior to the day. This planning helped him to be successful at either event. Here are some tips, both for hosting a successful party for your child on the spectrum and for attending other kids’ parties. (Some of the tips were suggestions from my blog’s readers…thank you for contributing!)
Best of luck in your birthday party endeavors! •

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kimberlee Rutan McCafferty has written several articles for Exceptional Parent magazine. She is also the author of Raising Autism: Surviving the Early Years, a memoir about parenting her two boys, both of whom have autism. Her new book is available on amazon.com

HOSTING YOUR OWN CHILD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY

1. Wherever you hold the party, make it about your kid. Consider a sensory gym which might address your child’s needs and will still be a fun place for neurotypical children to experience too.

2. If you feel it’s appropriate, reach out to the parents of the children your son or daughter has invited and share your child’s diagnosis with them. If you think your child may exhibit some atypical behavior during the party, it might help to clue in other parents in advance, and explain why.

3. If you think it’s appropriate, ask the parents to talk to their own kids about your child’s strengths and weaknesses, and how they might manifest at the party.

4. Make sure there’s a “quiet place” at the venue both for your child and others. Sometimes, a break from sensory overload is necessary for everyone.

5. Check with your child’s teacher prior to sending out invitations. I found out that Zach had a number of friends from other classes with whom he eats lunch. He hadn’t shared this information with me and forgot to include them in his birthday party list. We were able to invite the children and it made his day more special.

6. If my eldest son saw his cake at the beginning of the party it would be devoured. If you’re saving it until the end, and your child likes to eat as much as mine does, hide the cake!

ATTENDING BIRTHDAY PARTIES WITH YOUR CHILD

1. If possible, establish a relationship with the parents of the children whose party you’re attending prior to the day. This can be as easy as writing an email to them and giving them your contact information so they can reach you in case they have any questions. In the email, don’t forget to ask for an “agenda” of the event.

2. If you get access to an agenda, make a social story for your child so they know what to expect. Talk to them about all the different parts of the party, and the rules of behavior you expect for each.

3. If the parents respond to you, contact them and explain a bit about how ASD affects your child. Ask if there will be a quiet space for you to retreat to if necessary, and explain why your child may need it.

4. If the party is a “dropoff” event, ask if you can stay and explain why.

5. Come prepared with your own snacks and activities in case your child doesn’t like the food, or needs a “timeout.” Some children may just need a break and then are able to resume participating in the event.

6. Be prepared to leave early, and don’t view a premature departure as a failure. The important thing with these events is that your own child has fun, not how long they can stay. You may find that with each party they can both tolerate and enjoy the event longer.

TIPS FOR PARENTS OF NEUROTYPICAL KIDS WHEN HOSTING A PARTY WHERE ASD KIDS WILL BE IN ATTENDANCE

1. First and foremost, reach out to the parents of the child and ask how you can help. The parents will know their child best and may be able to give you some excellent suggestions for helping make the party successful for their son or daughter.

2. Share with the parents a blow-by-blow account of what will transpire at the party, and how long each piece of the event will last.

3. Offer up a quiet place if you can. Tell them you understand if they need to leave the party early.

4. Ask about dietary restrictions and offer alternative food items if necessary. I love when I don’t have to bring Zach’s gluten-free items. It’s a treat for me too!

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